It has been almost two years since my son was born...20 months to be exact. The last 20 months have been the greatest months of my life, and yet, I find myself still lost, still confused and still wanting a baby!! Lets go back 5 years! It was May 2006 and I was getting ready to marry my best friend. We had it all figured out...we had finished school, got great jobs, we were getting married, building our first house, and planning on having a family! All I have ever wanted was to be a mom...from as far back as I can remember, being a mommy was the one thing on my to do list. If I didnt complete anything else from that list, it would be ok, as long as I was able to be a mommy. Shortly before we were scheduled to exchange vows, my now hubby and I were talking about our future and about having a family...it was then that I said those dreaded words..." watch us have a problem having a baby." At the time, I didnt really think that, but as the months turned into years, those words began to haunt me. Did I really jinks ourselves...was it possible that I caused this by saying that?!!?
We had an amazing wedding...everything I dreamed of and more. We went on a beautiful honeymoon, and would have loved to have been that couple...you know the ones who come back all excited because 9 months later they would be a family of 3! Yeah, well that would have been impossible in our case...if anything, our honeymoon should have been a red flag as to how the whole baby making process was going to be. Nothing like stepping off the plane in Jamaica and being welcomed by your monthly friend :( I didnt know much about how to get pregnant at the time...except for the obvious. I never really thought I needed to know more...people all around me were getting pregnant...heck some who werent even trying! It couldnt be that hard I thought...boy was I wrong!
We started to try right away. Each month that went by with a big fat negative, the more we became alarmed. You should know that I have never been regular, so after learning more about the baby making process, I realized that we might actually need some help with this. I went to a doc who sent me to get some tests and then sent us to a fertility doctor. He did more tests and even some on Bob, and it was decided that we could have a baby, it was just going to take some work. I will leave that for another post.
After going through fertility for a while, we then decided we needed a break. We had only been married for 2 years, and it was taking a toll on us, and I had just had enough. We got pregnant FINALLY, and we were soooo happy about it. That happiness was short lived as we miscarried around 10 weeks. You can imagine our excitment and worry when we ended up pregnant just 1 month later! This is where my story takes a turn for the worst and the better :)
Bradyn is here healthy! He has brightened our lives and has given us so much to live for. He has taught us that everything truly does happen for a reason, and although it may not seem clear even now, I know there is a reason why things happened the way they did. If only it could be clear to me, maybe I wouldnt feel so lost and so confused. I do want another baby...heck I want 2 more babies. My fear of being pregant though and the fear that has been inbedded into me since my pregnancy has taken a toll on me. I go from being I can do this, to being totally terrified. It is the hardest thing to want something so bad, nad have NO CONTROL over it.
I dont know if it is the scare of what I went through when I was pregnant, or if it is the fact that I dont want to go through the same 3 years we had while trying, that keeps me from really trying to have another baby. I do know this...I am terrified of being pregnant. I worry about what could happen. I worry about me being healthy in the pregnancy. I know that I want Bradyn to have a brother or sister, and I know that I can handle a pregnancy. I think at the time, I handled my pregnancy great...it was afterwards that I have gone psycho!
I have started this blog in hopes that writing about what happened will help me to heal. That it will possibly help some other women who maybe is going through the same thing to know that there are others out there too! I want this to be a writing therapy session for me. I plan on telling my full story, and also continue with mommy things too!
