Although this baby has an awesome outcome, and I thank God everyday for my little boy, it is also an experience that has changed my life in so many ways. After we lost our first baby, we were devastated...but we weren't about to give up. My cycle started 6 weeks after I miscarried and to our surprise, we go pregnant right away. I waited until I was 5 weeks to check. I was nervous and excited...I pretty much knew I was pregnant. We decided we wouldn't tell anyone!! If you knew me, you would know how hard this was. We were at my parents house with a lot of family memebers about 4 hours after we found out! The next day I started to spot...are you kidding me???? The doctor brought me right in since I had a history and made sure I didnt have a molar pregnancy...which I didnt. He then sent me for bloodwork to make sure my HCG levels were increasing, and sure enough they were. At 6 weeks, I went for an ulstrasound where they said there was only a sac. There was no heartbeat and I was told that more than likely I was going to loose this baby as well. We were sad, but I had it in my mind that I wasnt pregnant and that I needed to stay positive because I wanted to be a mommy, and we will keep trying. At 7 weeks, I went back to make sure...and to our amazement, our little miracle was there with a beating heart and all!!!! I slowly stopped spotting and as each week came, we became more and more excited. We were due September 22, 2009. We passed the 10 week mark, which to us was a milestone. We then came to 12 weeks, where we had our appointment and heard our little babies heartbeat!!! That night, our world was about to change forever...I started to bleed!!!
We rushed to the ER where they did many tests and an ultrasound. There was our little love moving all around and heart beating so strong. I actually stopped bleeding by the time I left, and was put on some meds for my blood pressure. The next day, I had an appointment with the high risk doc, and they said there was no sign of any bleeding and that all was well.
The next week, which was 13 weeks a long, I started to bleed again, but this time...it didnt stop! Again, we headed into the ER where they said they couldnt see where the bleed was coming from and that I needed to stay on bed rest for a little while. The bleeding would come and go...and actually started to turn dark. Week 16, I headed back to the high risk doc who did an ultrasound and discovered a Subchronic Hemotoma, and basically gave us the most devastating news...60% chance that we would not make it to week 24. I was ordered to strict bed rest, and ordered what to do when blood came rushing....My doctor agreed, and so for the next 6 months, that is where I would be...sitting on the couch, not moving other than to go to the bathroom, only a couple of times a day. When you hear something like this...you dont know quite what to do. I can honestly say, I put all my faith in God, and would pray a hundred times a day! Our next big week was week 20...this is where we would see if the bleed had gone away...
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
No Control
I think one of the hardest things to deal with when trying to concieve is that you have no control. I can only do so much, if you know what I mean. I followed all the rules...watched what I ate, didnt drink caffine, didnt drink alcohol, I never have smoked so that wasnt a problem, I counted my days, made sure to lay with my feet up even...I did everything I was suppose to, and still, all I would see for years, was a big fat Negative! No matter what I did, it was out of my control and out of my husbands control!
I wasnt used to this...I was used to getting what I wanted. I know that sounds totally snobbish of me and spoiled, but it is true...I usually was able to get what I wanted...now, I am not saying things were always handed to me...no way. I worked hard for everything I had. For example...i wanted a new car, and not just any new car, I wanted a Sunfire ( yeah I know...why...but hey, I thought it looked cool) Anyways, I worked 3 jobs one summer, just to save up money for a down payment. I wanted straight A's in college, so I studied and worked my butt off...got the straight A's, but then again, I had to work hard!!! Truthfully, looking back on it all...I have always worked very hard to get what I wanted, so motherhood was no different.
The difficult part was that I knew if I worked hard, or if I worked extra jobs I would get the money I needed, or get the A's I wanted..I knew there was a reachable goal...with getting pregnant, you don't know! Its like a game that you continue to loose, and in our case, a tease...you win finally, just to be called a loser a few weeks later. Then we win big, and are told that we might loose, in fact we probably will loose, but thanks to God, we didnt ( which again is another story!!!!!). Pregnancy to me, is scary and a game of walking a tight rope on a windy day!
There were many days I would cry and pray to God that I could be a mom....just lock myself in my room and cry and cry and cry! Everyone around me was getting pregnant, and some of them were people who werent even trying. I just didnt get it...what did they have, or what did they do differently?!?! But again, they had no control either...they were just the lucky ones!!!
Once we were pregnant, it again was a no control situation, and in fact, we were told many times that I didnt have control over what would happen and that I can stay on bed rest, and it might help, but that there was no way of knowing...again NO CONTROL!
I think this idea of no control is what haunts me still today. I do want to have another baby so bad...I want two more babies. I want Bradyn to have a baby sister or brother and I want him to be a big brother. He is such a great kid and I know he would be an awesome big brother ( as long as he can stop throwing golf balls). This idea of not being in control is a problem though that I need to get through. The one thing that got me through many times was knowing that I had to trust the BIG MAN ABOVE...for He is the one in control for me. Yes, religion is very important to me, and it is was got me through such hard and difficult times. But again, that is leaving the control not in my hands!
Control...such a difficult idea!
I wasnt used to this...I was used to getting what I wanted. I know that sounds totally snobbish of me and spoiled, but it is true...I usually was able to get what I wanted...now, I am not saying things were always handed to me...no way. I worked hard for everything I had. For example...i wanted a new car, and not just any new car, I wanted a Sunfire ( yeah I know...why...but hey, I thought it looked cool) Anyways, I worked 3 jobs one summer, just to save up money for a down payment. I wanted straight A's in college, so I studied and worked my butt off...got the straight A's, but then again, I had to work hard!!! Truthfully, looking back on it all...I have always worked very hard to get what I wanted, so motherhood was no different.
The difficult part was that I knew if I worked hard, or if I worked extra jobs I would get the money I needed, or get the A's I wanted..I knew there was a reachable goal...with getting pregnant, you don't know! Its like a game that you continue to loose, and in our case, a tease...you win finally, just to be called a loser a few weeks later. Then we win big, and are told that we might loose, in fact we probably will loose, but thanks to God, we didnt ( which again is another story!!!!!). Pregnancy to me, is scary and a game of walking a tight rope on a windy day!
There were many days I would cry and pray to God that I could be a mom....just lock myself in my room and cry and cry and cry! Everyone around me was getting pregnant, and some of them were people who werent even trying. I just didnt get it...what did they have, or what did they do differently?!?! But again, they had no control either...they were just the lucky ones!!!
Once we were pregnant, it again was a no control situation, and in fact, we were told many times that I didnt have control over what would happen and that I can stay on bed rest, and it might help, but that there was no way of knowing...again NO CONTROL!
I think this idea of no control is what haunts me still today. I do want to have another baby so bad...I want two more babies. I want Bradyn to have a baby sister or brother and I want him to be a big brother. He is such a great kid and I know he would be an awesome big brother ( as long as he can stop throwing golf balls). This idea of not being in control is a problem though that I need to get through. The one thing that got me through many times was knowing that I had to trust the BIG MAN ABOVE...for He is the one in control for me. Yes, religion is very important to me, and it is was got me through such hard and difficult times. But again, that is leaving the control not in my hands!
Control...such a difficult idea!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
What about the Dad?
I have mentioned a lot about how I felt and about what I went through, but there is always another side...the dad! He isnt the one physically going through anything, however, mentally, there is a whole lot happening! Through our whole experience, I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful husband who was there with me to support me through these tough times. A lot of people would call and ask how I was, and tell him how sorry they were for ME...but really, it was an US. We both had to go through this situation together, and the hardest part for the dad, is that all he can do is support, he cant change anything, he cant work magic. Pregnancy, miscarriage, birth, it is all out of our control. There is nothing the dad can do to change anything, and that is difficult.
I remember the first time we went to the ER and they saw a heartbeat with a baby...the tears in my husbands eyes made me realize that he too is so emotionally involved in every bit of the pregnancy! When we were told we had lost the baby and there were a lack of tears, I knew it was because he was trying to stay strong for me...but I know he was torn! We both were!
Through all of what we have been through, my husband has been by my side. He has held me in his arms and just let me cry, he has encouraged me to stay strong, he has even gone into the grocery store in the middle of the night to get me pads!!! In the same respect, I have been there for him. I understand he cant physically go through what I have been, but I think it is almost harder for the dad because of that. They feel helpless, but yet they do so much to support.
Next time you know someone who has gone through a tragedy like this, remember there is a dad, and dont forget to ask how the dad is doing!
I remember the first time we went to the ER and they saw a heartbeat with a baby...the tears in my husbands eyes made me realize that he too is so emotionally involved in every bit of the pregnancy! When we were told we had lost the baby and there were a lack of tears, I knew it was because he was trying to stay strong for me...but I know he was torn! We both were!
Through all of what we have been through, my husband has been by my side. He has held me in his arms and just let me cry, he has encouraged me to stay strong, he has even gone into the grocery store in the middle of the night to get me pads!!! In the same respect, I have been there for him. I understand he cant physically go through what I have been, but I think it is almost harder for the dad because of that. They feel helpless, but yet they do so much to support.
Next time you know someone who has gone through a tragedy like this, remember there is a dad, and dont forget to ask how the dad is doing!
Life after a miscarriage
A baby is a miracle...a life that has been created between two people. In our case, our baby was made out of love...two people who truly wanted to be a mom and dad, who had prayed and prayed and prayed that someday, God would bless them with a baby. When that opportunity was given to us, we were excited...words truly can't even express how we felt. To have that all taken away so quickly, really was a slap in the face!! I knew I needed to stay strong, but there were definately moments of weakness.
Your hormones are going crazy because your body still thinks it is somewhat pregnant! Contractions are still taking place, you are bleeding, your body is somewhat weak, but life goes on. You dont walk around with a sign that says, be nice, I just miscarried. So, the hardest thing to see if pregnant ladies. Especially the ones who are smoking!!! Those were some of my weakest moments...how does a women who isnt even caring for her own body, and now putting a child at risk, able to be a mom! How about those moms and dads in the store who are hitting their kids, not caring for them at all! As a teacher, you see some pretty worthless parents and wonder...how? why? Then there are those people who are pregnant...great people who will be great parents, and yet, they sit there and complain about being preganant...this hurts, that hurts, I cant wait to get this kid out...yeah, pregnancy can be a little painful, it changes your body, it leaves marks...but why complain??? You are getting the opportunity to bring a life into this world, to be a mommy!!! Something, some people pray for and pray for! Having a miscarriage and going through fertility makes you really think different, it makes you not take things for granted!
The days that followed our miscarriage, life seemed to be unfair. You think of all the things that have happened and you say why me?? At the time, I thought how long we had been trying and now we were back to square one! I remember the holidays were coming up, so I wanted to be away. We planned to head back to Michigan, which ended up being the best thing ever ( for a later post). It was after the miscarriage that I started to get supersticious.
I couldnt eat at certain places like Longhorns. That is where I started to bleed.
I wouldnt wear the clothes I had on when the miscarriage took place.
I didnt want to sleep on the side of the bed I had been on.
I couldnt drive past the hospital and look at it.
The smell of the doctors office terrified me.
I love candles and I had to put away all the cinnamon apples scents.
This all might sound crazy, but it was the only way I knew to stay positive. Maybe it wasnt the right way, but at the time, it seemed to be good.
The one thing I did do, that I think helped me the most was I decided I wasnt going to live my life just to get pregnant. I wasnt going to put my life on hold just to get pregnant. I still wanted to be a mom, but I wasnt going to let it consume me.
I had to get bloodwork to make sure the pregnancy was out of me. Once it was, the doc told me that I should get a period in 6 weeks and then...
WE COULD TRY AGAIN!
Your hormones are going crazy because your body still thinks it is somewhat pregnant! Contractions are still taking place, you are bleeding, your body is somewhat weak, but life goes on. You dont walk around with a sign that says, be nice, I just miscarried. So, the hardest thing to see if pregnant ladies. Especially the ones who are smoking!!! Those were some of my weakest moments...how does a women who isnt even caring for her own body, and now putting a child at risk, able to be a mom! How about those moms and dads in the store who are hitting their kids, not caring for them at all! As a teacher, you see some pretty worthless parents and wonder...how? why? Then there are those people who are pregnant...great people who will be great parents, and yet, they sit there and complain about being preganant...this hurts, that hurts, I cant wait to get this kid out...yeah, pregnancy can be a little painful, it changes your body, it leaves marks...but why complain??? You are getting the opportunity to bring a life into this world, to be a mommy!!! Something, some people pray for and pray for! Having a miscarriage and going through fertility makes you really think different, it makes you not take things for granted!
The days that followed our miscarriage, life seemed to be unfair. You think of all the things that have happened and you say why me?? At the time, I thought how long we had been trying and now we were back to square one! I remember the holidays were coming up, so I wanted to be away. We planned to head back to Michigan, which ended up being the best thing ever ( for a later post). It was after the miscarriage that I started to get supersticious.
I couldnt eat at certain places like Longhorns. That is where I started to bleed.
I wouldnt wear the clothes I had on when the miscarriage took place.
I didnt want to sleep on the side of the bed I had been on.
I couldnt drive past the hospital and look at it.
The smell of the doctors office terrified me.
I love candles and I had to put away all the cinnamon apples scents.
This all might sound crazy, but it was the only way I knew to stay positive. Maybe it wasnt the right way, but at the time, it seemed to be good.
The one thing I did do, that I think helped me the most was I decided I wasnt going to live my life just to get pregnant. I wasnt going to put my life on hold just to get pregnant. I still wanted to be a mom, but I wasnt going to let it consume me.
I had to get bloodwork to make sure the pregnancy was out of me. Once it was, the doc told me that I should get a period in 6 weeks and then...
WE COULD TRY AGAIN!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Baby #1
After years of trying and years of getting negatives, I was so scared to take a pregnancy test. So, in September of 2008, I had known when I ovulated, and so 2 weeks after ovulation my period did not come. Instead, it felt like it was going to come, but it never did. I got myself excited..then I spotted a little. However, it went away. In my mind, I didnt think I was pregnant, so the spotting didnt alarm me at all!!! The weekend we could have found out, we were in Minnesota at my cousins wedding. I knew it was a possibility, so like the last 2 1/2 years I didnt drink and made sure to take my vitamins! I decided that I was going to wait as long as I could before I tested. My grandpa had passed away October 12, 2007, so I decided I would take a test on the 12th of October. Not sure why...but I thought maybe my guardian angel would help those double lines appear! It was a sunday morning, and I woke up early and took the test. I was shaking...I was excited and nervous and scared. I peed on the stick, turned it upside down, and walked away! I was scared to look....I didnt know what I wanted to see...I froze!!! Then the excitement took over, I turned it over and there they were...the two lines we had been praying for finally appeared!!! I screamed, ran to the bed and screamed we are pregnant!!!! My husband grabbed me and hugged me...we cried tears of joy and couldnt wait to call our parents with the amazing news. I of course wanted to make sure I called my grandma to inform her of such awesome news...especially on such a sad day for her!!! We made our calls, and we just smiled all day!!! I even posted on myspace ( yes I had myspace at the time) and even made a registry ( I know this is soon, but they had an offer at Restoration Hardware that was ending that day...how convienent) I called the doc the next day, and had blood work done right away.
I was 7 weeks pregnant already!
The next day I went in for our first ultrasound. There on the screen was our little bundle of joy! Our baby we had been trying for and praying for! There he/she was...so cute!! Looked like a gummy bear!!! We were so excited...we showed everyone!!! I had to go back the next week for a check-up because I was with the fertility doc...he said he would follow me until I went to the regular OB! At 8 weeks our little one was growing great!!! We were so proud to hear their little heartbeat!!! I had an appointment with the OB on November 3, which would put me at 10 weeks! So, the fertility doc said I didnt need to go back to him. I would have to say I was sooooooooo nervous...I was scared of every little cramp! I of course was sick at this point, and the smell of coffee made me barf...to me, barfing was great!!! The more I puked the happier I was!!! I was tired, I had to pee a lot, I was sick, and I LOVED IT!!!
At 9 weeks, I started to spot! My heart fell and all I could do was pray. I went to the fertility doc who checked on me and there was my little one, heart beating and growing!!! Nothing seemed to be wrong, so I just decided to rest. That was a Wednesday...that evening, I noticed the spotting was getting a little darker, so I became worried again. I took the day off of work to just relax...that evening it got a little worse! As I was laying on the couch, it happened...I felt a rush!! I ran to the bathroom, and there, right before my eyes, I bled, and bled and bled. All I could do was cry...my wonderful husband held me there as I sat on the toilet!! I got cleaned up and to the ER we went. They took us in for an ultrasound, and to our amazement, there was our baby...strong heartbeat and all! Amazing I tell you...my husband had tears in his eyes...we were over joyed...but...I was still bleeding. They didnt see where the bleed was coming from, they just ordered me to stay in bed.
The next day was Halloween...I went into the OB the next morning and the doc said that usually once you hear the heartbeat, that the chance of a miscarriage go down to 2%-5% and that everything would probably be ok. He said it didnt look like I was bleeding still. We went home with such an awesome feeling! We were excited!!! We stayed in that night and I just laid around. We went to bed that night happy as can be!!!
Then it happened again...I woke up around 4am bleeding a lot! I didnt wake my husband up until around 7am when my back was hurting and I was bleeding bad. We called the doc and he said to head into the ER. When we got there, we knew...we knew that we were not going to get the same news we had gotten two days later. We went into the ultrasound and sure enough, there was no baby this time. We headed back to the room, where we waited, and watied and waited for the doc to return. We talked about how we would stay strong and how we can keep trying. We decided everything happens for a reason. One thing that will always stick to me, was the nurse...she was so kind and caring and told us how nice we were and how it wasnt fair this was happening to nice people...I just thought that was strange because she didnt really know us! But, in my mind all I could think of was those people who take drugs and smoke while pregnant...who beat thier kids and who dont show love to their kids...those people who complain about being pregnant and who take such simple things for granted...it was then that I think I started to get weak....but it was short lived...I needed to stay strong! The doc came back in eventually to tell us what we already knew. The good news was that I didnt need a D and C, and that I just needed to relax for a few days and that we could try again in 6 weeks.
We went home that afternoon and had to make those dreaded phone calls. The weird thing was when we walked in, our dog came to me right away and put his head on my lap. Our mean, nasty cat, came and laid on my belly...its like they knew, its like they morned for our loss too! I decided at that point that I was going to be strong, that God doesnt give people anything they cant handle...I knew, I needed to stay strong so I could get pregnant again fast.
We lost our first little one at 10 weeks on November 1, 2008. They do not know why this happened and we will never know. I think the hardest part was facing people who knew...and looking at poeple who were pregnant! I took a week off of work to relax and get my head straight! I stayed strong, and I knew in my heart that we would be a mommy and daddy someday!
I was 7 weeks pregnant already!
The next day I went in for our first ultrasound. There on the screen was our little bundle of joy! Our baby we had been trying for and praying for! There he/she was...so cute!! Looked like a gummy bear!!! We were so excited...we showed everyone!!! I had to go back the next week for a check-up because I was with the fertility doc...he said he would follow me until I went to the regular OB! At 8 weeks our little one was growing great!!! We were so proud to hear their little heartbeat!!! I had an appointment with the OB on November 3, which would put me at 10 weeks! So, the fertility doc said I didnt need to go back to him. I would have to say I was sooooooooo nervous...I was scared of every little cramp! I of course was sick at this point, and the smell of coffee made me barf...to me, barfing was great!!! The more I puked the happier I was!!! I was tired, I had to pee a lot, I was sick, and I LOVED IT!!!
At 9 weeks, I started to spot! My heart fell and all I could do was pray. I went to the fertility doc who checked on me and there was my little one, heart beating and growing!!! Nothing seemed to be wrong, so I just decided to rest. That was a Wednesday...that evening, I noticed the spotting was getting a little darker, so I became worried again. I took the day off of work to just relax...that evening it got a little worse! As I was laying on the couch, it happened...I felt a rush!! I ran to the bathroom, and there, right before my eyes, I bled, and bled and bled. All I could do was cry...my wonderful husband held me there as I sat on the toilet!! I got cleaned up and to the ER we went. They took us in for an ultrasound, and to our amazement, there was our baby...strong heartbeat and all! Amazing I tell you...my husband had tears in his eyes...we were over joyed...but...I was still bleeding. They didnt see where the bleed was coming from, they just ordered me to stay in bed.
The next day was Halloween...I went into the OB the next morning and the doc said that usually once you hear the heartbeat, that the chance of a miscarriage go down to 2%-5% and that everything would probably be ok. He said it didnt look like I was bleeding still. We went home with such an awesome feeling! We were excited!!! We stayed in that night and I just laid around. We went to bed that night happy as can be!!!
Then it happened again...I woke up around 4am bleeding a lot! I didnt wake my husband up until around 7am when my back was hurting and I was bleeding bad. We called the doc and he said to head into the ER. When we got there, we knew...we knew that we were not going to get the same news we had gotten two days later. We went into the ultrasound and sure enough, there was no baby this time. We headed back to the room, where we waited, and watied and waited for the doc to return. We talked about how we would stay strong and how we can keep trying. We decided everything happens for a reason. One thing that will always stick to me, was the nurse...she was so kind and caring and told us how nice we were and how it wasnt fair this was happening to nice people...I just thought that was strange because she didnt really know us! But, in my mind all I could think of was those people who take drugs and smoke while pregnant...who beat thier kids and who dont show love to their kids...those people who complain about being pregnant and who take such simple things for granted...it was then that I think I started to get weak....but it was short lived...I needed to stay strong! The doc came back in eventually to tell us what we already knew. The good news was that I didnt need a D and C, and that I just needed to relax for a few days and that we could try again in 6 weeks.
We went home that afternoon and had to make those dreaded phone calls. The weird thing was when we walked in, our dog came to me right away and put his head on my lap. Our mean, nasty cat, came and laid on my belly...its like they knew, its like they morned for our loss too! I decided at that point that I was going to be strong, that God doesnt give people anything they cant handle...I knew, I needed to stay strong so I could get pregnant again fast.
We lost our first little one at 10 weeks on November 1, 2008. They do not know why this happened and we will never know. I think the hardest part was facing people who knew...and looking at poeple who were pregnant! I took a week off of work to relax and get my head straight! I stayed strong, and I knew in my heart that we would be a mommy and daddy someday!
Trying to concieve
I have always wanted to be a mom! When Bob and I were planning on getting married, the one thing I knew is that I wanted to have a baby right away! We both agreed on this, and talked about how great it would be if we got pregnant on our honeymoon. Shortly before our wedding, I joked to Bob to watch us have trouble having a baby!!! Boy do I regret saying those words!!! At the time, I didn't really think it, in fact, I didn't really know to much about getting pregnant, other than the whole boy/girl thing. Our first hit was stepping off the plane for our honeymoon and being welcomed by my aunt flow...yep...who the heck gets their period on their honeymoon!!! For the first few months, we just went with it...I didn't exactly know how to count my days and honestly, my period was always so messed up that I wouldn't have known anyways. After every negative pregnancy test I would be dissapointed, and it seemed for every negative I saw, 3 other people would see a positive! Seriously, I think the world was pregnant, and I wasn't!!
I decided to start reading about "trying to concieve" I learned that a women usually ovulates on the 14th day and that day one starts on your first day of your period. I also learned that if you are trying to conceive, you should limit your intake of caffiene, and that you should do IT in the morning. I learned that I should take prenantal vitamins, should eat healthy, should count my days, take my temp each morning, pee on an ovulation stick...basically, change my life! So, that is what I did. I changed my whole life, and decided that we were going to eat, sleep, and dream about being pregnant!!! It started to take over our lives!!! After 3 months of trying, I went to the doctor. That doctor sent me to a fertility doctor...since I do have abnormal periods.
My husband and I ran through some tests and were told WE COULD HAVE A BABY!!!! Best news EVER!!! So, what now...
I would need to get an ultrasound on day 4-5 of my cycle....they would check to make sure I didnt have any cysts ( this can happen to anyone on their cycle) and then I would start taking a drug called clomid for 6 days. I then would go back on day 10 - 14 to see if eggs were produced and then would take a needle and inject it into my stomach to help release the eggs and then 12 hours later, my hubby and I would need to do the dirty!
Month 1 started about 1 year and 3 months after we started trying. NEGATIVE
Month 2 NEGATIVE
Month 3 NEGATIVE
Month 4 NEGATIVE
Month 5 - we missed ovulation...and of course NEGATIVE
Month 6 had a cysts so we couldnt take the clomid, and of course NEGATIVE!
By the time month 7 came around, we were totally worn out. It had taken a toll, and something needed to change. We decided to give it a break and decided we would try a surgury to see if there was something else wrong. I went under and they learned that nothing was wrong, my left tube was a little blocked, but that it could change, and that really, we could get pregnant! So, our next step was a stronger fertility drug. I went and learned how to give myself injections, and then we had to play the waiting game. We had to wait 90 days after the surgery because of insurance. I had the surgery May 2008 and in September 2008 we decided we would try again. I had read online during one of my million searches on how to get pregnant that if we had sex every other day and then started taking the ovulation kit at day 10. We then had to have sex three days in a row after a positive ovulation, skip a day, and then do it again. We have now been trying for over 2 years, so we said what the heck and gave it a shot!!
2 years, 4 months, 6 months of fertility treatments, a laproscopy, many tears, MANY PRAYERS, no caffine, a lot of forced sex, 100's of ovulation kits, and 100's of pregnancy tests...
WE WERE FINALLY PREGNANT!!!! and without fertility drugs!!
I decided to start reading about "trying to concieve" I learned that a women usually ovulates on the 14th day and that day one starts on your first day of your period. I also learned that if you are trying to conceive, you should limit your intake of caffiene, and that you should do IT in the morning. I learned that I should take prenantal vitamins, should eat healthy, should count my days, take my temp each morning, pee on an ovulation stick...basically, change my life! So, that is what I did. I changed my whole life, and decided that we were going to eat, sleep, and dream about being pregnant!!! It started to take over our lives!!! After 3 months of trying, I went to the doctor. That doctor sent me to a fertility doctor...since I do have abnormal periods.
My husband and I ran through some tests and were told WE COULD HAVE A BABY!!!! Best news EVER!!! So, what now...
I would need to get an ultrasound on day 4-5 of my cycle....they would check to make sure I didnt have any cysts ( this can happen to anyone on their cycle) and then I would start taking a drug called clomid for 6 days. I then would go back on day 10 - 14 to see if eggs were produced and then would take a needle and inject it into my stomach to help release the eggs and then 12 hours later, my hubby and I would need to do the dirty!
Month 1 started about 1 year and 3 months after we started trying. NEGATIVE
Month 2 NEGATIVE
Month 3 NEGATIVE
Month 4 NEGATIVE
Month 5 - we missed ovulation...and of course NEGATIVE
Month 6 had a cysts so we couldnt take the clomid, and of course NEGATIVE!
By the time month 7 came around, we were totally worn out. It had taken a toll, and something needed to change. We decided to give it a break and decided we would try a surgury to see if there was something else wrong. I went under and they learned that nothing was wrong, my left tube was a little blocked, but that it could change, and that really, we could get pregnant! So, our next step was a stronger fertility drug. I went and learned how to give myself injections, and then we had to play the waiting game. We had to wait 90 days after the surgery because of insurance. I had the surgery May 2008 and in September 2008 we decided we would try again. I had read online during one of my million searches on how to get pregnant that if we had sex every other day and then started taking the ovulation kit at day 10. We then had to have sex three days in a row after a positive ovulation, skip a day, and then do it again. We have now been trying for over 2 years, so we said what the heck and gave it a shot!!
2 years, 4 months, 6 months of fertility treatments, a laproscopy, many tears, MANY PRAYERS, no caffine, a lot of forced sex, 100's of ovulation kits, and 100's of pregnancy tests...
WE WERE FINALLY PREGNANT!!!! and without fertility drugs!!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Writing Therapy
It has been almost two years since my son was born...20 months to be exact. The last 20 months have been the greatest months of my life, and yet, I find myself still lost, still confused and still wanting a baby!! Lets go back 5 years! It was May 2006 and I was getting ready to marry my best friend. We had it all figured out...we had finished school, got great jobs, we were getting married, building our first house, and planning on having a family! All I have ever wanted was to be a mom...from as far back as I can remember, being a mommy was the one thing on my to do list. If I didnt complete anything else from that list, it would be ok, as long as I was able to be a mommy. Shortly before we were scheduled to exchange vows, my now hubby and I were talking about our future and about having a family...it was then that I said those dreaded words..." watch us have a problem having a baby." At the time, I didnt really think that, but as the months turned into years, those words began to haunt me. Did I really jinks ourselves...was it possible that I caused this by saying that?!!?
We had an amazing wedding...everything I dreamed of and more. We went on a beautiful honeymoon, and would have loved to have been that couple...you know the ones who come back all excited because 9 months later they would be a family of 3! Yeah, well that would have been impossible in our case...if anything, our honeymoon should have been a red flag as to how the whole baby making process was going to be. Nothing like stepping off the plane in Jamaica and being welcomed by your monthly friend :( I didnt know much about how to get pregnant at the time...except for the obvious. I never really thought I needed to know more...people all around me were getting pregnant...heck some who werent even trying! It couldnt be that hard I thought...boy was I wrong!
We started to try right away. Each month that went by with a big fat negative, the more we became alarmed. You should know that I have never been regular, so after learning more about the baby making process, I realized that we might actually need some help with this. I went to a doc who sent me to get some tests and then sent us to a fertility doctor. He did more tests and even some on Bob, and it was decided that we could have a baby, it was just going to take some work. I will leave that for another post.
After going through fertility for a while, we then decided we needed a break. We had only been married for 2 years, and it was taking a toll on us, and I had just had enough. We got pregnant FINALLY, and we were soooo happy about it. That happiness was short lived as we miscarried around 10 weeks. You can imagine our excitment and worry when we ended up pregnant just 1 month later! This is where my story takes a turn for the worst and the better :)
Bradyn is here healthy! He has brightened our lives and has given us so much to live for. He has taught us that everything truly does happen for a reason, and although it may not seem clear even now, I know there is a reason why things happened the way they did. If only it could be clear to me, maybe I wouldnt feel so lost and so confused. I do want another baby...heck I want 2 more babies. My fear of being pregant though and the fear that has been inbedded into me since my pregnancy has taken a toll on me. I go from being I can do this, to being totally terrified. It is the hardest thing to want something so bad, nad have NO CONTROL over it.
I dont know if it is the scare of what I went through when I was pregnant, or if it is the fact that I dont want to go through the same 3 years we had while trying, that keeps me from really trying to have another baby. I do know this...I am terrified of being pregnant. I worry about what could happen. I worry about me being healthy in the pregnancy. I know that I want Bradyn to have a brother or sister, and I know that I can handle a pregnancy. I think at the time, I handled my pregnancy great...it was afterwards that I have gone psycho!
I have started this blog in hopes that writing about what happened will help me to heal. That it will possibly help some other women who maybe is going through the same thing to know that there are others out there too! I want this to be a writing therapy session for me. I plan on telling my full story, and also continue with mommy things too!
We had an amazing wedding...everything I dreamed of and more. We went on a beautiful honeymoon, and would have loved to have been that couple...you know the ones who come back all excited because 9 months later they would be a family of 3! Yeah, well that would have been impossible in our case...if anything, our honeymoon should have been a red flag as to how the whole baby making process was going to be. Nothing like stepping off the plane in Jamaica and being welcomed by your monthly friend :( I didnt know much about how to get pregnant at the time...except for the obvious. I never really thought I needed to know more...people all around me were getting pregnant...heck some who werent even trying! It couldnt be that hard I thought...boy was I wrong!
We started to try right away. Each month that went by with a big fat negative, the more we became alarmed. You should know that I have never been regular, so after learning more about the baby making process, I realized that we might actually need some help with this. I went to a doc who sent me to get some tests and then sent us to a fertility doctor. He did more tests and even some on Bob, and it was decided that we could have a baby, it was just going to take some work. I will leave that for another post.
After going through fertility for a while, we then decided we needed a break. We had only been married for 2 years, and it was taking a toll on us, and I had just had enough. We got pregnant FINALLY, and we were soooo happy about it. That happiness was short lived as we miscarried around 10 weeks. You can imagine our excitment and worry when we ended up pregnant just 1 month later! This is where my story takes a turn for the worst and the better :)
Bradyn is here healthy! He has brightened our lives and has given us so much to live for. He has taught us that everything truly does happen for a reason, and although it may not seem clear even now, I know there is a reason why things happened the way they did. If only it could be clear to me, maybe I wouldnt feel so lost and so confused. I do want another baby...heck I want 2 more babies. My fear of being pregant though and the fear that has been inbedded into me since my pregnancy has taken a toll on me. I go from being I can do this, to being totally terrified. It is the hardest thing to want something so bad, nad have NO CONTROL over it.
I dont know if it is the scare of what I went through when I was pregnant, or if it is the fact that I dont want to go through the same 3 years we had while trying, that keeps me from really trying to have another baby. I do know this...I am terrified of being pregnant. I worry about what could happen. I worry about me being healthy in the pregnancy. I know that I want Bradyn to have a brother or sister, and I know that I can handle a pregnancy. I think at the time, I handled my pregnancy great...it was afterwards that I have gone psycho!
I have started this blog in hopes that writing about what happened will help me to heal. That it will possibly help some other women who maybe is going through the same thing to know that there are others out there too! I want this to be a writing therapy session for me. I plan on telling my full story, and also continue with mommy things too!
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