No Control

I think one of the hardest things to deal with when trying to concieve is that you have no control.  I can only do so much, if you know what I mean.  I followed all the rules...watched what I ate, didnt drink caffine, didnt drink alcohol, I never have smoked so that wasnt a problem, I counted my days, made sure to lay with my feet up even...I did everything I was suppose to, and still, all I would see for years, was a big fat Negative!  No matter what I did, it was out of my control and out of my husbands control!

I wasnt used to this...I was used to getting what I wanted.  I know that sounds totally snobbish of me and spoiled, but it is true...I usually was able to get what I wanted...now, I am not saying things were always handed to me...no way.  I worked hard for everything I had.  For example...i wanted a new car, and not just any new car, I wanted a Sunfire ( yeah I know...why...but hey, I thought it looked cool)  Anyways, I worked 3 jobs one summer, just to save up money for a down payment.  I wanted straight A's in college, so I studied and worked my butt off...got the straight A's, but then again, I had to work hard!!! Truthfully, looking back on it all...I have always worked very hard to get what I wanted, so motherhood was no different. 

The difficult part was that I knew if I worked hard, or if I worked extra jobs I would get the money I needed, or get the A's I wanted..I knew there was a reachable goal...with getting pregnant, you don't know!  Its like a game that you continue to loose, and in our case, a tease...you win finally, just to be called a loser a few weeks later.  Then we win big, and are told that we might loose, in fact we probably will loose, but thanks to God, we didnt ( which again is another story!!!!!).  Pregnancy to me, is scary and a game of walking a tight rope on a windy day!

There were many days I would cry and pray to God that I could be a mom....just lock myself in my room and cry and cry and cry!  Everyone around me was getting pregnant, and some of them were people who werent even trying.  I just didnt get it...what did they have, or what did they do differently?!?!  But again, they had no control either...they were just the lucky ones!!!

Once we were pregnant, it again was a no control situation, and in fact, we were told many times that I didnt have control over what would happen and that I can stay on bed rest, and it might help, but that there was no way of knowing...again NO CONTROL!

I think this idea of no control is what haunts me still today.  I do want to have another baby so bad...I want two more babies.  I want Bradyn to have a baby sister or brother and I want him to be a big brother.  He is such a great kid and I know he would be an awesome big brother ( as long as he can stop throwing golf balls).  This idea of not being in control is a problem though that I need to get through.  The one thing that got me through many times was knowing that I had to trust the BIG MAN ABOVE...for He is the one in control for me.  Yes, religion is very important to me, and it is was got me through such hard and difficult times.  But again, that is leaving the control not in my hands!

Control...such a difficult idea!