After years of trying and years of getting negatives, I was so scared to take a pregnancy test. So, in September of 2008, I had known when I ovulated, and so 2 weeks after ovulation my period did not come. Instead, it felt like it was going to come, but it never did. I got myself excited..then I spotted a little. However, it went away. In my mind, I didnt think I was pregnant, so the spotting didnt alarm me at all!!! The weekend we could have found out, we were in Minnesota at my cousins wedding. I knew it was a possibility, so like the last 2 1/2 years I didnt drink and made sure to take my vitamins! I decided that I was going to wait as long as I could before I tested. My grandpa had passed away October 12, 2007, so I decided I would take a test on the 12th of October. Not sure why...but I thought maybe my guardian angel would help those double lines appear! It was a sunday morning, and I woke up early and took the test. I was shaking...I was excited and nervous and scared. I peed on the stick, turned it upside down, and walked away! I was scared to look....I didnt know what I wanted to see...I froze!!! Then the excitement took over, I turned it over and there they were...the two lines we had been praying for finally appeared!!! I screamed, ran to the bed and screamed we are pregnant!!!! My husband grabbed me and hugged me...we cried tears of joy and couldnt wait to call our parents with the amazing news. I of course wanted to make sure I called my grandma to inform her of such awesome news...especially on such a sad day for her!!! We made our calls, and we just smiled all day!!! I even posted on myspace ( yes I had myspace at the time) and even made a registry ( I know this is soon, but they had an offer at Restoration Hardware that was ending that day...how convienent) I called the doc the next day, and had blood work done right away.
I was 7 weeks pregnant already!
The next day I went in for our first ultrasound. There on the screen was our little bundle of joy! Our baby we had been trying for and praying for! There he/she was...so cute!! Looked like a gummy bear!!! We were so excited...we showed everyone!!! I had to go back the next week for a check-up because I was with the fertility doc...he said he would follow me until I went to the regular OB! At 8 weeks our little one was growing great!!! We were so proud to hear their little heartbeat!!! I had an appointment with the OB on November 3, which would put me at 10 weeks! So, the fertility doc said I didnt need to go back to him. I would have to say I was sooooooooo nervous...I was scared of every little cramp! I of course was sick at this point, and the smell of coffee made me barf...to me, barfing was great!!! The more I puked the happier I was!!! I was tired, I had to pee a lot, I was sick, and I LOVED IT!!!
At 9 weeks, I started to spot! My heart fell and all I could do was pray. I went to the fertility doc who checked on me and there was my little one, heart beating and growing!!! Nothing seemed to be wrong, so I just decided to rest. That was a Wednesday...that evening, I noticed the spotting was getting a little darker, so I became worried again. I took the day off of work to just relax...that evening it got a little worse! As I was laying on the couch, it happened...I felt a rush!! I ran to the bathroom, and there, right before my eyes, I bled, and bled and bled. All I could do was cry...my wonderful husband held me there as I sat on the toilet!! I got cleaned up and to the ER we went. They took us in for an ultrasound, and to our amazement, there was our baby...strong heartbeat and all! Amazing I tell you...my husband had tears in his eyes...we were over joyed...but...I was still bleeding. They didnt see where the bleed was coming from, they just ordered me to stay in bed.
The next day was Halloween...I went into the OB the next morning and the doc said that usually once you hear the heartbeat, that the chance of a miscarriage go down to 2%-5% and that everything would probably be ok. He said it didnt look like I was bleeding still. We went home with such an awesome feeling! We were excited!!! We stayed in that night and I just laid around. We went to bed that night happy as can be!!!
Then it happened again...I woke up around 4am bleeding a lot! I didnt wake my husband up until around 7am when my back was hurting and I was bleeding bad. We called the doc and he said to head into the ER. When we got there, we knew...we knew that we were not going to get the same news we had gotten two days later. We went into the ultrasound and sure enough, there was no baby this time. We headed back to the room, where we waited, and watied and waited for the doc to return. We talked about how we would stay strong and how we can keep trying. We decided everything happens for a reason. One thing that will always stick to me, was the nurse...she was so kind and caring and told us how nice we were and how it wasnt fair this was happening to nice people...I just thought that was strange because she didnt really know us! But, in my mind all I could think of was those people who take drugs and smoke while pregnant...who beat thier kids and who dont show love to their kids...those people who complain about being pregnant and who take such simple things for granted...it was then that I think I started to get weak....but it was short lived...I needed to stay strong! The doc came back in eventually to tell us what we already knew. The good news was that I didnt need a D and C, and that I just needed to relax for a few days and that we could try again in 6 weeks.
We went home that afternoon and had to make those dreaded phone calls. The weird thing was when we walked in, our dog came to me right away and put his head on my lap. Our mean, nasty cat, came and laid on my belly...its like they knew, its like they morned for our loss too! I decided at that point that I was going to be strong, that God doesnt give people anything they cant handle...I knew, I needed to stay strong so I could get pregnant again fast.
We lost our first little one at 10 weeks on November 1, 2008. They do not know why this happened and we will never know. I think the hardest part was facing people who knew...and looking at poeple who were pregnant! I took a week off of work to relax and get my head straight! I stayed strong, and I knew in my heart that we would be a mommy and daddy someday!
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